


A dark place called home

by Lotto95



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, raw feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6914701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotto95/pseuds/Lotto95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina comes home to a sight that has become a heart wrenching daily occurance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A dark place called home

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for depression and self harm. Please don't read if you could be triggered. I'm sorry if this upsets/offends anyone, I understand it could be painful for many reasons. Stay safe.

“Oh, Emma”

Regina pushed down hard on the lump in her throat, closing the door gently behind her then placed her palms on it to keep her upright. Pain filled eyes diverted to look at ground. If she didn’t she was almost certain she would crumble on the spot.

Somehow seeing the manifestation of Emma’s pain, it hit hard.

After a deep breath, Regina pushed off the door with the hope her legs wouldn’t buckle. She made quick work of picking up the mess of clothes, poofing away the cold soup and putting away her own belongings before changing into something more comfortable.

She perched on the edge of the bed to face Emma, where she sat hunched against the head board, knees bent up and arms draped down her sides. Her eyes were unfocused. “Emma,” Regina sighed, beginning to brush her fingertips up and down Emma’s arm. She didn’t respond. Not so much as a flinch.

Regina removed her fingers and grabbed onto the glass situated on the bedside table. The water had dwindled, but hardly enough, so she brought the glass to Emma’s dry lips then waited. Lips parted, the glass tipped then was emptied. Emma whimpered at the loss of contact causing Regina to wave her hand. She brought the glass back up to Emma’s lips. Her throat bobbed up and down as she gulped the water.

Regina had to ignore the knot in her stomach at Emma’s desperation, at the simplicity of an action Emma couldn’t achieve on her own. Not today.

It wasn’t just a bad day.

It was one of those days where Emma fell so far inside herself Regina was terrified she’d never see her again.

She could tell from the moment the alarm sounded throughout the room. Once it hit their ears, Emma rolled onto her front then wrapped her head in her arms. _“I can’t”_ spilled from her lips. Regina almost took the day off from work, to simply rub circles into Emma’s back, to lie with her, to be there. She couldn’t do that.

She had to at least put on a brave face for Henry. They were both used to days where there would be an empty presence during breakfast, where they would pick at their food in silence.

At one point it was only them, but now only them wasn’t enough. It wasn’t like anything was missing before. That was before they knew what a completed family felt like. Now it felt empty when the seat Emma had claimed was unoccupied.

Two family members felt complete, until they had three, now two feels broken whilst the third member is breaking herself and their family. Unintentionally, but it didn’t stop forced smiles and shattering hearts and a longing for a time when they were whole.

Regina placed the glass back down then began to brush her fingers through Emma’s tangled hair, messaging her scalp. “Hi beautiful.” She tried to smile. If she could eventually find a reason to, then maybe Emma could too. She had to hold onto that belief. There wasn’t much else without it.

It caught her eye now. She was unsure why she hadn’t noticed before, considering the dried mess that covered Emma’s legs. After untangling her fingers from Emma’s blonde locks, Regina stood facing away from Emma, closed her eyes for a moment and took three very deep breaths. Slowly she turned back around, ignoring the gnawing in her stomach. She gulped hard.

Emma was staring at the bed, leaning against the headboard, legs bent up but shoulders completely slouched. Regina perched on the edge of the bed again then reached one shaking hand out.

Carefully, she gripped the small piece of metal which Emma held between her thumb and forefinger and removed it from her possession. She sighed when Emma didn’t put up a fight.

Regina stood then, her eyes fixated on the small blade. Feeling that it was capable of burning a hole where she held it.

After sighing heavily she walked into the bathroom. She threw the blade away wishing this would be the last.

It wouldn’t be.

She’d wished that every time.

After reaching the bathroom cabinet she took a shaky breath trying to ignore how her stomach twisted. Eyes glistened but she blinked until her emotions were pushed down. Emma was the one shattering - not her. Not this time.

After grabbing the first aid kit she began to walk. One step, two step. Each felt harder than the last. A fist clenched and tears pricked but she told herself to breathe. Then thought of Emma. Her smile. Her laugh. Those eyes which had lit up a whole new world inside.

_“You know,” Emma had said before throwing herself onto Regina’s bed. Their bed. “I think I could get used to this.” She sprawled her entire body across the bed. A smile growing on her lips as sparkling eyes met her own._ _Regina raised a brow, but failed in her attempt to look stern. “Oh really,” she remarked. “You do look awfully comfortable.”_

_The smile which held a thousand promises of happiness grew before Emma wiggled her eyebrows. “Then why don’t you come join me Madame Mayor?”_

_And that was all it had taken. Regina straddled Emma’s hips before leaning forwards until lips brushed. She kissed her softly. So softly but with so much passion it took away every last breath residing in her lungs._

_They broke the kiss then Regina pressed their bodies together, resting her head on Emma’s chest. Relaxing instantly at the beating heart she heard beneath where she lay. A long sigh filled the room as arms snaked around her back, pulling her in impossibly close. A single word was then so delicately whispered from hopeful lips which had proved to be the start of the end. “Stay.”_

Emma had now curled into a ball. With uneven breathing Regina tried to find the strength to walk to the woman she’d fallen in love with. The problem being she wasn’t here.

Seeing Emma this way was something Regina would never be able to accept. And there was blood. Re-opened cuts from Emma’s movements, caused red liquid to pool on damaged thighs then drip to the bed.

It was too much.

“Blood, Emma.” Her voice came out thick. “You’re getting blood on the bed.” Nails dug into her palm as wide green eyes stared up.

She was shaking now and one damn tear escaped before rolling down her cheek. She stood rooted as Emma’s head snapped up. Wide eyes stared back at her. A mouth opened and closed. Then Emma flopped back on the bed completely defeated.

Her stomach clench painfully and she cursed herself.

Heavily limbs made their way to the bed before she sat on the edge. Shaking hands pulled out an antiseptic wipe then ripped it open, but before she could began to wipe the cuts Emma moved away.

 “No, don’t,” Emma mumbled, throwing her arms around her eyes.

“I have to clean them, Emma.”

Emma responded by bringing her knees up to her chest, shielding the cuts. “It stings.”

“I know, but this was part of our deal.”

One she fully hated with every fibre of her being. Damn Archie and his reasoning. She wanted Emma to stop, by any means necessary, but that would make it worse, he had said. She needs it to survive, he had told her. She didn’t care. Emma was hurting herself and needed it to stop.

Emma took a few shaky breaths as if debating her options then slowly brought her legs down, rolling so she lay on her back.

A hand gripped her upper arm as she brushed over each cut. Emma’s other arm was still shielding her eyes and it tensed and Emma flinched each time the wipe came into contact with her leg.

“I’m sorry,” Regina whispered, “it’s nearly done.” If she hadn’t done this to herself none of this would be necessary she wanted to say, but pushed it deep down into the corners of her mind assigned for internally screaming into some sort of void.

After placing the red wipe into the bin, Regina grabbed onto Emma’s hand that was still squeezing her arm, brought it to her lips to place a kiss to her palm before intertwining their fingers.

She looked to the broken mess lay on the bed. She breathed hard, but was still unable to stop the few tears that pushed their way through dark eyes. “Emma?”

She didn’t move.

“Emma, please look at me.”

Emma sighed deeply then the arm covering her eyes flopped onto the bed. Their hands were intertwined but one held firmly whilst the other stayed loose.

A small, even if slightly forced smile spread on Regina’s lips as she looked to her love. “Hey,” she said squeezing her hand whilst her brow scrunched and eyes glistened. “Talk to me, my sweet girl.”

Emma didn’t lose eye contact, but sighed heavily as if the burden of talking weighed down hard on her chest. Her head shook from side to side.

Her voice strained to ask the one question no one could answer. “Please, Emma. Just tell me why?”

It was almost as if she was trapped inside a glass box. Helpless, nothing more than a spectator to Emma slowly building up all of the walls they’d worked so hard to pull down. Little by little destroying herself.

Part of Regina wanted to shake it out of her. They’d all come back a little damaged from their failed trip to the underworld, but something so beautiful, something neither of them had expected, came out of it.

They were healing. Together. But something eventually snapped in Emma and she shattered into so many pieces no one was sure how to pick them back up.

At least now she had her. Regina repeated it like a mantra for every time she would walk in to find Emma in a bloodied mess, for every night she woke screaming, for every day that went by where she barely moved, nor spoke, as if she wasn’t here at all.

“It’s okay,” Regina soothed, “you don’t have to talk. You’re seeing Archie tomorrow, please talk to him.”

That was part of their deal.

It was either that or Emma would be hospitalized. Cut off, unable to hurt herself further. Regina wanted that, Emma had pleaded and begged not to be sent away. Not that it mattered. Either option hurt them both.

But this way, Regina spent day after day worrying when Emma was alone. Praying that when she walked into the mansion, into their room, Emma’s eyes wouldn’t be lifeless.

Emma pulled herself away from Regina, curling herself back up like she was trying to protect herself. Her body shook. Regina’s heart ached. But then Emma was reaching her arm behind her body. She didn’t hesitate. Regina crawled under the covers then from shoulder to wrist placed her palm on Emma’s arm and rubbed down, until her hand gripped Emma’s, until her arm wrapped around Emma’s waist. She pulled her as close as she could, squeezing onto Emma’s shaking body fearing Emma would disintegrate completely if she were to let go.

“I’m sorry,” Emma forced out through muffled cries.

“Shh, it’s okay.” She placed kiss after kiss on her cheek, shoulder, anywhere she could reach. “I love you,” she whispered then clenched her arms.

Emma’s voice was small as she spoke words which still felt entirely too raw no matter how many times they were said. “I love you too Regina.”

She held Emma until eventually she worked herself into a fitful sleep. When Regina was certain, she allowed silent tears to run down her cheeks, burying her head in Emma’s neck. “Emma,” she sobbed, “please come back to me.”

She felt as if she was watching Emma drifting out to sea, stretching her arms out but never being able to reach, screaming only to have the sounds muffled by the crashing waves. She was helpless but could do nothing in her power to stop Emma from drowning.


End file.
